To celebrate #WorldBreastfeedingWeek I thought I’d share my experience with it. I have written this reflection in my head a million times but always decided not to put it out there because I felt like I shouldn’t complain, I am very aware that I’m lucky to be able to bf when others cannot. So many people talk about breastfeeding as such a magical thing that I felt ashamed for having feelings that were not all 🌈 and 🦋about it. I am sharing now because I wish when I had my first baby that I had more information and saw more stories about it not always being easy or natural for everyone.
Breastfeeding is hard! My first baby was tongue tied so it was extremely painful to bf for several months. I remember the first weeks spending 30 mins each feed struggling just to get her to latch. I was so exhausted both she and I would end up crying in frustration. Then once she figured out how to latch it was excruciating, it felt like sandpaper and glass slicing my nipples, I was raw and had milk blisters. I ended up dreading bf and had to mentally brace myself for every feed. Tears would stream down my face in pain as I tried not to flinch and upset the baby or give her bad vibes.
It wasn’t till I spent my first night away when she was 2.5 months old that a friend saw me putting nipple cream on and said “Wow! Your nipples are still sore? Mine were only sore the first week or two” that I realized that it wasn’t normal to be in so much pain.
We went to a lactation consultant who confirmed that my daughter was still tongue tied (we got it clipped right after she was born so I thought it was fixed but it wasn’t). We found a specialist who was able to fix her tongue/lip tie (thank you Team Tongue Tie) and finally the pain slowly went away as she learned how to properly latch.
On top of the pain of bf, I also struggled with the mental toll of doing it every 2-3 hours. I felt like a cow, not a person. I felt isolated even know I was in a house full of people because I missed out on... conversations, going places, and doing things because I was alone in the baby’s room nursing all hours of the day (she didn’t drop the middle of the night feeding and sleep through the night till she was 12 months old). Plus there was the worry about leaving the house... Would I be back in time to feed if I left her at home? Or if I brought her with would I be able to find a place to feed her? What happened if she started screaming/crying in hunger and I couldn’t feed her cause I was driving or in the middle of a grocery store. I also constantly worried about pumping so I’d have enough stash to be able to leave her at home. Then when I did leave her I worried about finding a time/place to pump so my breasts wouldn’t get engorged, be painful, and start leaking.
In the end, I bf for a year and 2 weeks, until one day she just arched away from me and shook her head. I was so relieved and also surprisingly sad. Even know I knew it was coming to an end because she had slowly weaned herself from 8 feeds to 1-2 per day I was shocked when she just stopped.
When I got pregnant with baby 2 breastfeeding was the thing I dreaded second only to not sleeping and even more than labor because in some ways it’s harder than labor because labor lasts a day* and bf goes on for a year.
Thankfully baby #2 only had a slight tongue tie that I felt immediately 😣 and we got clipped right away. After a week or two she figured out feeding and it’s been smooth sailing since. Still, I look forward to the day it’s done and I can have my body back, stop worrying about feeding and pumping and start sleeping. Thankfully with baby #2, I feel a lot less anxious about it all and I keep reminding myself how I was surprisingly sad when bf was over the first time which helps me be in the moment and enjoy it more. As they say, it is only a phase and one day I know I will look back and miss it.
* Before you say no way bf is harder than labor or you must have had an easy birth (I didn’t, I pushed for 6 hours and had a broken tail bone with baby #1) hear me out.
Milk drunk happy baby!
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