2018 was a year of change some expected and some unexpected. I never have been good with change so it was one of the hardest years and yet also one of the very best because of our little Eleanor. She is the sweetest, happiest baby, a ray of sunshine in our lives. And if anything the highs of last year far outweigh the lows when I look at how happy we and especially she is.
**This was my new years post that was so full of raw emotion I decided to table it for a while. I wrote the first version with tears of sadness and then relief as I finally got so many things I'd been holding onto out of my system. But I was still too chicken to put it all out there. So now a few months later I've decided to share it. 🙈 Even now as I re-read this I feel like a totally different person and can see how far I've come.
My thoughts, plans and dreams for 2018 were completely different from what became. So on top of the steep learning curve of becoming a mom I felt an overwhelming sense of loss over what was to be. It started a week after Eleanor was born when we decided to sell our house and move in with my parents. We sold the house and were moved out within two months. Everything was a blur. I was exhausted from being up every 2-3 hours feeding Eleanor and felt so sad. I cried a lot. We loved that house, it was our first home, we put a lot of heart and pride into fixing it up and making it our own, it was by no mean perfect or fancy but it was ours. I loved being able to do exactly what I wanted... paint, furniture, decor and getting Eleanor's nursery ready was really special. We joked that she would be born at Home Depot because I was there multiple times a day (in fact I was there a few hours before my water broke). 😂
But more than the house itself it was saying goodbye to the life we had made there and the future I had envisioned of Eleanor growing up there… taking first steps, playing with the neighborhood kids, learning to ride her bike on our cul-de-sac. That version of our future was gone in a snap, it broke my heart and took me a long time to get over. Even months after we moved I teared up every time we drove past our old exit on the freeway.
There were a lot of reasons why we sold our house, one was so we'd have help with Eleanor when I worked and as Donny launched/ran his business. He is so happy to not have a long commute every day and work for himself. My favorite thing is seeing Donny able to sneak a moment in with Eleanor in the middle of his work day. The joy he takes in creating his own business while being able to spend time with her is worth it all.
Donny is my balance. When I feel bogged down by the past or am worrying about the future he reminds me to appreciate “The Now”, to enjoy these fleeting moments with Eleanor as she is right NOW because she grows and changes so fast. I don't know if it's all the Zen 🧘🏻♂️ books he reads but he's always helping me see things from another perspective. It’s like a dose of optimism when I feel engulfed by negativity or sadness.
In general, I'd say I’m not a sad person but I think new-mom exhaustion magnifies emotions. And man those first 6 months of no sleep were tough. But once Eleanor started eating solids, sleeping (almost) through the night and exploring her surroundings it got easier for someone other than "mama" to look after her. I started to feel like myself again and not just a milk cow 🐄.
More importantly, I can see what Donny's been telling me for months. That when you look at how happy Eleanor is, it is obvious we did the right thing by moving. Her joy is a reflection of our own. While Donny and I went through a lot last year - a new business, a new baby, moving in with your in laws - the pressure brought us closer. The sudden changes have shown us new sides and strengths of one another. We really do balance each other. One of my favorite things Donny says again and again when I'm feeling stressed is “we’re gonna be ok" because he's right we are, we already are more than ok.
Beyond the personal changes, the last year was also difficult because we mourned the loss of both my grandmas within 16 months of each other. Both women played big parts in both of my parents' lives, losing them was especially tough because they were both their last living parents. Yet it ended up being bittersweet because my parents were able to relate and comfort one another through such a difficult time. Maria Christmann (my Oma) and Jean Larson (my Grams) were such strong, independent women I wish Eleanor could've spent time with them. But the joy we feel when we use their recipes, share them here, and reminisce about mom learning a recipe or dad eating one as a kid makes us all so happy it reminds me that they truly do live on through us.
Their loss also makes me so grateful that I still have my parents and their help raising Eleanor. I love hearing them talking, giggling and singing with her when Donny and I are working in another room. She is lucky to have so many adoring sets of hands to crawl into on a daily basis. Maybe that's why she's such a happy baby? 🤷♀️ And Eleanor has been good for my parents, she's helped them find new joy and purpose. They had retired early and moved to California to be near me but found themselves with a lot of time on their hands. Now they are busier than ever helping look after Eleanor... us, 3 cats, 2 dogs 2.5 horses (and a partridge in a pear tree). 😂
Donny likes to tease me, “why enjoy the present when you can worry about the future?” This annoys me but probably because it is really good advice. It makes me stop and remember to appreciate the moment. The future is unknown but that's okay because I'm learning to enjoy the now. So, for 2019 I hope there are no big surprises or changes. I know, blah. But writing this post was cathartic. It has taught me to not be sad about letting go of dreams. Instead, I should understand why I had those dreams in the first place. I loved our old house/life because I imagined Eleanor's future there. Now I realize it doesn't matter where she is as long as she's happy and healthy. I am so thankful to have such a loving and supportive husband and family and especially for all the changes Eleanor has made in me and our lives. My lack of perspective makes me feel a bit sheepish 🙈 I guess that's just a part of growing up and what Our Stable Life is all about--sharing and learning from each other.
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